Chris Moyles - The Bigmouth DJ on small Radio one *, tugging on air and pooing in posh hotels...
Give us three reasons why we should bother to tune into your new Channel 5 TV show?
Its not Emmerdale, its not Watchdog and I'm on it. I dont really know how to describe it. Mates are going "Are there guests?" No. "Are there bands?" No. And im like, "Its me, in a pub." But its kind of a spill-over from the radio show mixed with TFI Friday but without any money. So no bands, no guests or good looking women. Its just me gobbing off and doing silly stuff. But it will be funny.
So your producer Chris Evans wont be on screen?
Too right he wont be on screen. I cant be doing with any ginger people on television.
If Billie came onto you at a party would you tell Chris?
No, absolutely not. I'd get off with her, but I wouldnt tell him because it would be awkward. It would be easier to get off with her, but to tell him would cause a lot of trouble.
Are you a millionaire yet?
Far from it. Did you think I was? On the wages the BBC pay - you must be joking, I'm nowhere near it. I'll probably make Chris another million from this TV show, the bastard.
Ever done your radio show completely in the nude?
No. Did you see what I used to look like? I used to be very, very, very fat. I dont think that would have been a nice thing to see. There is some flashing at Radio One; certain DJ show their breasts, certain DJ's show their penis. I did a link the other day and a DJ doing a show opposite got their tiny member out.
Who was it?
I cant say. But I was very surprised to see DJ Spoony with a small penis. Whoops, that just slipped out.
Have you ever cracked one off on air?
Have I ever cracked one off? What, have a wank? On air? No. What a bizarre question. Who asked that question?
Um... that was our features director, Mike
So obviously Mike has cracked one off while writing a feature? That says more about him than it does me. What a strange man. Jesus, if I come to your offices I'll never shake his hand. I've cracked one off in the building but never in the studio. Jesus, what a bizarre question.
What would happen if you said the following words on air - bollocks for instance?
It would depend on the context, but probably nothing. Its only a mild swear word. I remember Mark Goodier doing a movie review of Jurassic Park and saying, "Its bollocks - but good bollocks," and everyone just stopped and looked at each other. It's like "shit", it would depend on the context, but you'd probably get away with shite more than shit.
It would depend on the reaction. Listeners have said it on phone-ins and you just say, "Can you apologise please." If it just slips out you cant help it, what the listener says is really out of your control. But if you said "Shes a * slag whore," you'd be in trouble.
I've said * on the air. There are 4 people aware of this - me, Comedy Dave, Ant and Dec. They had an album called The Cult of Ant and Dec and I said "A few years ago you had an album out called The *... The Cult of Ant and Dec", Dec was jumping up and down pointing, and I was shaking my head and just kept on talking. I don't think anyone ever noticed. There weren't any complaints anyway.
Have you ever dashed off mid-show for a dump and been caught out that its taken longer than expected?
Yeah, just the other day. It was at the start of the show and it was one of them repeat dumps. Theres no air con in the toilet, so it stinks and if you're in there for more than 3 minutes you start to sweat. I got back just in time.
Could you hold your own as a Pete Tong style DJ?
Is there anyone in the world who thinks that's a difficult job? I was watching Fatboy Slim on Brighton Beach and there was all these people going berserk. But its a bloke playing other peoples records! If you played those records Norman played you mate might go "That's Alright," but Norman played it and 250,000 people went berserk. So I'd like to have a go, yeah.
You've said before you dont do drugs - are you the only Radio One DJ that doesn't?
That's a very naughty question. As far as Im aware no Radio One disc jockey does drugs because drugs are illegal and I don't think anyone at Radio One breaks the law. Do you have any concrete evidence to back up that particular statement?
Er. No. So you really don't do drugs at all?
No, I'm kind of curious to see how good this cocaine is, but the majority of people I've seen on coke have been absolute *. They turn into tossers so I'm not curious enough to try it. And I drink and smoke enough anyway so, for *'s sake, don't throw coke or ecstasy into the equation.
Are you offended you're not on that trendy black and white advert for Radio One?
Imagine that! I like that ad, I usually hate all Radio One's ads. I think they are shit, a big waste of money. But I like this one, it's really clever. Imagine me coming at the end and mixing really badly - oh no, Dave Pearce does that, doesn't he?
Keith Duffy told us a story about an ex-Capital Radio DJ that got so pissed he threw up and shat all over his hotel suite. Was that DJ you?
I couldnt possibly say. Yes I did take a dump in Keith Duffy's bath. It was at the height of Boyzone's popularity. He plied me with Jack Daniel's and I got shit faced drunk. It was a really posh hotel, and the next morning, he goes, "You took a dump in my * bath." It was really embarrassing and then he goes, "Look, its alright but just clean it up because I dont * need it." And I had to clean it up.
Finally, you're on a three-man life raft with Geri, Simon Cowell and Gareth Gates. Who gets thrown overboard?
Can I say all of them? I'd like to shag Geri. We hate each other, or we did do, but I reckon if we got drunk we'd kop off. But shes * nuts. Gareth Gates is alright though, hes harmless. * 'em, let all the bastards drown, theres not enough room in the boat for me and my ego.